Friday Freakshow Roundup: Romney's Got 97 Pivots, but a Chance Ain't One

In the political news system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the Republicans who do insane things, and this blogger who mocks them. These are their stories:

• The good folks over at Buzzfeed have tallied it up, and so far Romney has made 97 attempts to pivot towards the general election.  Shockingly though, these attempts by the "etch-a-sketch" candidate have frightened the Republican base, which then freak out and forces him to move back to the right to assuage their fears.  It's almost as if Romney has screwed himself by trying to be all things to all people.

• If you're a Republican elected official on a sex tourism trip to the philippines, it's probably a mistake to ask a photo journalist to take your picture with 4 prostitutes.  Just ask New Mexico County Commissioner Michael Warner.

• If you've ever wondered what parts of science you're allowed to believe, and which parts will get you sent to hell, Pat Robertson has the answer for you: "The trouble is where scientists speculate about theology and they don’t know what they’re talking about because they weren’t there. They can’t speculate about the origins of life because they weren’t there. If they tell you observable phenomenon then we ought to believe them, and I tell you if you find a geologist who tells you something existed 300 million years ago then you better believe them because he knows what he’s talking about. We don’t want our religious theory go with flat earth."  So don't trust scientists to tell you about the past except for the times it would be foolish not to trust them about the past.  I hope that clears things up for everyone.

• Meanwhile, Tucker Carlson believes it's wrong to go after President Obama's family, unless of course he's the one attacking them.

• Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani had a beautiful photo op of the two of them delivering pizzas to firefighters, which was only slightly marred by them dumping off the pizzas on an aide the second they thought the cameras were gone.  Whoops.

• Joe the Plumber is confused what President Obama could possibly have been doing the other day when he stopped by the White House without an appointment, demanding to see him.  What could possibly be more important than that?  Absolutely anything at all.

• Finally, Rush Limbaugh is trying to push the conspiracy theory that Sharia Law is in effect in America and that it allows you to "make love to your dead wife for six hours."  Now this is of course false, and offensive to Muslims.  And really, as someone whose been caught smuggling illegal viagra into the country, Rush knows that if you have an erection that persists for more than 4 hours, you should consult a doctor immediately.